I’ve been searching long and hard for two things while pursuing degrees in college: the perfect public toilet and the perfect girl. The other day I had an epiphany when I realized their similarities. With both the perfect toilet and the perfect girl, you want it/her to:

Smell nice.

Have not been used by a lot of guys.

Be disease-free.

Be worthy of sharing with your friends.

Not require protection to use.

Be pube-free

Appear clean enough for your mother to approve.

Not mind being peed on.

Have no fetuses inside.

Have soft toilet paper nearby for when you’re finished.