How's it hangin' peeps?  It's been a slow week for gossip, probably due to the fact that celebs are busy celebrating Passover and Easter by snorting coke off of some matza and getting so drunk that they pass out on a cross and end up two days later totally, like, all resurrected and sh*t.  But never fear my dear friends, I've dug up the dirt and am placing it in a pretty Easter basket just for you.

If you're like me, you started this week sitting through the Hills Season finale bored out of your mind.  Well, Lauren's ex-boyfriend Jason is about to make it all up to you with the release of his and Lauren's alleged sex tape.  That's right, a SEX TAPE!  America's favorite robot and goateed crackhead f*cked on tape, and before Jason trots of to jail he wants YOU to admire Lauren's lady snacks.  Rumor has it that - unlike her IQ - they are apparently HUGE. [source: Egotastic]

Christian Jones is not a name you might recognize, but he has had a profound impact on history.  A world-renowned shadow puppeteer in his time, Jones’s contribution to this world was stumbled across by chance. 

“I was just sitting in my house, trying to come up with exciting new two person shadow puppets with my wife, Judith,” Jones, 86, said.  “We were improvising and she was doing a crocodile.  I thought that looked like fun so I also pretended to be a crocodile that was eating her crocodile. We did some playful crocodile wrestling, as us hand puppeteers are prone to do. The rest is history..."

Jones’s discovery was published in the magazine Modern Shadower.  It sent shock waves through the shadow puppet community, prompting other adventurous puppeteers to try their "hand" in making their own anatomical parts. Despite these innovator's best efforts, the “hand wang” and “hand scrotum”  both failed miserably- possibly lending gravitas to the staying power of Jones’s discovery.

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You guys ready? Everyone hit the bathroom, right? All right then, let's pile in. Daytona Beach, here we come! This is gonna be the best spring break ever. And don't worry about the trip. I know, Daytona's halfway across the country, but I'm sure between us four knuckleheads the trip will be as much of a blast as those beach babes—almost!

Seriously, though, if you do get bored, there's some literature I brought along that I really think you should check out. Just a few pamphlets, some eye-opening books. They've really changed the way I look at things, man. I mean, did you know we can trace our Aryan roots all the way back to the noble Nordic warrior-gods of Northern Europe? Crazy, huh?